Every single thing that has ever happened to me is mine. –Anne Lamott
“Well, that’s a double-edged sword.” I thought to myself while digging out from under a pile of memories.
I’ve been cleaning out old scrapbooks, journals, cards, etc. recently. While rifling through the stacks it struck me more than ever that there are things that have happened to me in my life that I wish hadn’t. There are events that have stirred searing emotions, videos that play in a perpetual loop in my brain, and words from past scenes that nag and pick at me. It’s important to note that when replaying memories, the bitter ones tend to linger well beyond the sweet and savory.
And, yet, the fact remains that everything that has ever happened to me is mine. And the same is true for you. Everything that has ever happened to you is yours–for better or worse, not your dog’s, neighbor’s, distant cousin’s, or closest friend’s. Your experiences are stamped, uniquely, by you. No one else has thought, felt, heard, or remembered the world in quite the same way–and they never will.
To be completely fair and respectful of Ms. Lamott’s writing, her statement is taken a bit out of context, here. Her point in the larger context is valid and helpful, it just happened to inspire some divergent musings for me. So with that in mind, what she doesn’t illuminate beyond that statement is the ubiquitous and uncanny turn of events that occurs when we live too long with the entirety of what “belongs” to us.
As time passes, as memories stick to our ribs until we feel lumpy and uncomfortable, the statement changes from “everything that has ever happened to me is mine” to, “everything that has ever happened to me is me”. Do you see the difference? In the first statement, we possess. We own it. The second statement is also possessive, but the master is not ourselves. This statement implies that our experiences are the sum of who we are. It implies that they own us. Do you want to be owned by your experiences?
I work with people who have experienced deep trauma, bone-chilling trauma. Time and again I see this theme surface. They believe they are only the sum of their experiences, AND, everything in life is colored and shaped by those experiences.
Fictional example: A woman lost her younger sister to a pool drowning when they were both little. The woman witnessed it and felt responsible for the accident. Her life since then has been centered around that trauma. She doesn’t fully realize the pervasive effects, but she doubts herself often, feels insecure, and lives with near constant feelings of guilt and shame.
In some fashion or another, we’re all haunted by past experiences or mistakes or ideas that have stuck to our ribs for so long that we believe they’re part of us.
What does it take to reclaim the story? A reckoning.
We have to settle with our memories, beliefs, mistakes. They only have control over us when we believe that’s all we are, or when we fear others believe the same. Keep in mind that this work may need to be done with help, depending on the stronghold our experiences have over us.
You are more than the sum of your fears and failures–real or perceived. Do you believe that? Really?
We’ve talked about the regression from “Everything that has ever happened to me is mine.” To, “Everything that has ever happened to me is me.” May I suggest a third statement? It is one that fits the idea of reclaiming our belongings.
The statement would be this: “Everything that has ever happened to me is.” Period.
Everything I have ever experienced is part of the story. But it is not and never will be the entirety of the story. My experiences exist in my timeline, in my narrative, but that’s not all I have. I have traits, abilities, characteristics, relationships that live outside of my most distressing experiences. I have value, purpose, worth, and a vocation that equal more than my “belongings”.
So which statement fits your life right now? Are your experiences who you are? Or do they exist, period?
If I may be so bold as to connect these ideas, the third statement leads to this ending: the dissolution of guilt and shame is an immeasurable freedom.